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$
Ph.D.Defense Day
02 May 2023
(中文版原文連結)
The day I started imagining five or six years ago has passed in the blink of an eye. Looking back now, many details are still vivid: the scent and heat from the oven early in the morning, eating bagels while watching a kart racing game with roommates and visiting friends, the aggressive Lyft driver, and the pain of push-ups. My Ph.D. defense day was like a long-planned stage play, everything almost went perfectly according to the script (except that the evening piano practice turned into a surprise party), it was so smooth that even I didn’t have the chance to stop for a few seconds, close my eyes and feel the beats in my heart. My roommate told me that the feeling of the day of Ph.D. defense was probably similar to a wedding day. Surrounded by friends who have been important to me over the years, I am truly a lucky person.
The six years of pursuing a Ph.D. were, of course, full of ups and downs. The six dishes at the reception after the defense talk metaphorically represented my mood each year (thanks to my undergrad friend K for helping to name them):
Seduced by sweetness (Panna cota): In the first year, I was like a child entering a candy store, wanting to taste everything I saw, absorbing all kinds of nutrients without any restraint.
Tasting the spices (Mysore pak): In the second year, I had many opportunities to attend conferences and workshops. I visited the west coast, UK, India (where I tasted delicious Mysore pak), and Switzerland, experiencing different research styles and environments.
Burnt off passion (Basque cheesecake): The breakout of pandemic in the third year indirectly led me to rethink about my research and question the methodology of theoretical CS. Also, my enthusiasm for the research topic at hand gradually diminished.
Expanding the boundary (Pizza art): In the fourth year, I began to systematically learn physics and neuroscience, expanding the boundaries of knowledge in research collaborations and reading groups, and rediscovering my passion for the pursuit of knowledge.
Kneading for perfection (Sourdough): In the fifth year, I tried to outline a medium-to-long-term research plan. My perfectionist spirit led me to be harshly critical of myself, wavering between different methodologies, trying to identify my own path.
Rediscovering the roots (Flies heads): In the sixth year, I made up my mind to step toward neuroscience. I also gradually realized the inevitable imperfections in different scientific methods, so I gradually let go of my criticism of theoretical CS and reconsidered the role computation could play.
At the surprise party in the evening, my good friend L asked if I had any regrets during my Ph.D. years. I responded without too much thinking and said that there would certainly be regrets, but how we perceive and accept them is subjective. Although it might sound like an evasive answer, this mentality is something I’ve slowly come to understand over the years. Of course, I regret that I didn’t achieve any of the three major goals I set for my Ph.D. (winning a best paper award, running the Boston Marathon, and giving a piano recital). I regret not cherishing many important beings around me, and I regret missing the opportunity to talk and take photos with many people on the day of my defense.
But just like what baseball has taught me, no matter how many times I have struck out before or how badly I was shouted by the coach, whenever I stand on the field, the ups and downs of the past are the nourishment for moving forward. I want to prepare myself to face any outcome with a smile and head held high.
Although time seems to pass continuously, there are moments when we can feel a strong division. After settling down for half a day, on the way to the piano room after the rain, the still cool evening glow seemed to look different. For many people, it was just an ordinary defense talk. For me, it was the fulfillment of many years of imagination, a summary of a winding exploratory journey, and the beginning of the next chapter in my life.